I did not know what to expect following the loss of our baby. The very next day we found ourselves at a funeral home signing papers and making arrangements to have Faith picked up from the hospital and cremated. I maintained my composure pretty well until I witnessed the lady write down our daughters name on some paperwork. Tears filled my eyes just slightly, not enough to roll down my cheeks but it was confirmation of our loss. Left the funeral home knowing we would hold our baby girl by Wednesday. We drove home holding each others hand in silence. Exactly what I needed. No words were necessary, I just needed to hold my husbands hand.

Once home, we decided to walk to a nearby food hall and grab some lunch and a drink. I ordered the strongest drink on the menu thinking it would help take the edge off. Funny thing is that one of the things I constantly said I missed most while being pregnant was not being able to partake in social drinking while out. Silly complaint, I know. Well here we were, at an outdoor bar, sipping on drinks and although I was happy to be sitting next to David, it just wasn’t the same. Such a void filled my heart. I would give up anything just to have still been pregnant. We continued the night by meeting up with friends for dinner. We thought maybe we actually did need to be around people after all to help get our mind off things. The night went well and served its purpose to distract our thoughts. The following morning we met with my parents for breakfast and more drinks. Still there was something missing, still felt a void. After breakfast we came home and David knocked out and remained asleep for the rest of the day as I sat on the couch and sobbed for what seemed like forever. The feeling of letting go and being vulnerable was so healing. For a moment I thought the tears were not going to let up. I know God has a plan for us but I just can’t understand what that plan is right now.

A couple who waited so long until the right time, we were so ready, so looking forward to meeting our baby girl in just 4 short months. People will try to offer words of kindness and say things like, “Maybe it just wasn’t your time. It just wasn’t meant to be.” Clearly they have not been on the receiving end of losing a baby you have carried and felt move around in your belly for months. It’s pretty difficult to think that wasn’t meant to be, but in many ways, those words stand true. As hard as it is to accept. I wonder when the grief will end. I know it will lessen over time and I am really looking forward to that. I have made the decision not to dwell on this loss. I am still a wife, a daughter, and friend to many and everyone deserves to have the same Michelle they knew before. I have isolated myself from everyone because I am just not ready to face the questions and the sad faces. It takes everything for me not to melt in someone’s arms when they offer a hug and their condolences. I literally have to fight the feeling of crying, and I am pretty successful at doing so. I even stop myself from crying (too much) in front of David for fear that I won’t be able to stop. So I write to release my feelings and it has proven to be beyond therapeutic for me. Without this platform to express my deepest emotional feelings, I would probably explode.

My husband rubbed my back last night in bed and said, “Don’t worry honey, everything will be okay and we will feel normal again soon.” I smiled with tears in my eyes. I just love him so.