We were faced with our worst fear. Our unborn child is struggling inside my womb. It has been two agonizing weeks since we were first told that my blood work came back highly unusual. We met with a counselor who went over my results and stated that they were almost unexplainable. I had the worst scores one could receive and at that time there were a million reasons that could have caused it. Was it an abnormality with my baby? Was it maternal health issues with me? Was my placenta not functioning to it’s full potential? We just didn’t know. After that meeting we were taken to a room down the hall for a level two ultrasound. It was here that we discovered our baby girl had not grown in 10 days. She was at a standstill for her gestational age which raised some deep concerns with the specialist performing the ultrasound. Due to the worry in her tone, I knew that something was seriously wrong so I agreed to further testing and had the amniocentesis done for more accurate results as to what was going on inside my baby’s environment.

A week later we received a call from the doctor. Down syndrome was ruled out, spinal problems were ruled out, cystic fibrosis also ruled out. Everything looked good in the preliminary stages of the testing. Final results would not be in for one more week but we were very hopeful since the preliminary results were good. At this point the doctor was thinking that the placenta was not functioning properly which was causing the baby to fall behind in growth. Worst case scenario we would have to deliver early and she would be watched in the NICU until she was strong enough to survive on her own without assistance. I was prepared for that. THAT I could handle.

It wasn’t until May 8th that I would be faced with my greatest fear. The final amnio results were in and something was wrong. David and I were called in the same day to meet yet again with a counselor. My heart broke as she revealed the results. An extremely rare chromosome was found in 40% of our daughters cells. Not just any chromosome but one that is typically only found in miscarriages. The counselor stated that she had been in the field for 25 years and other staff even longer, collectively none of them had ever seen this chromosome appear in a amnio. We were told that everyone was shocked she made it this far. Most babies with this chromosome miscarry in the 1st trimester. This was the reason for my blood work being so terrible, showing a struggle from inside. Nobody even considered looking for this chromosome because it was just so rare. We were told by the counselor that she actually had to look up studies and was only able to find 11 known (reported) cases where a baby had made it past the 1st trimester carrying this chromosome. David and I were beyond shocked. Devastated is more like it.

We had questions like, what kind of life will this baby have? Once again we stared into an expressionless face of the counselor. She replied, “If this baby even makes it to birth, there will be severe problems. This baby will never thrive and will never be able to function on it’s own. In fact, your baby will more than likely pass away within the womb or have to be delivered early and in that case will either be still born or live for no more than a few hours.” I was speechless. How could this have happened? What was the cause? The cause will always be unknown. We were told that this occurred when the egg was fertilized and that she had been lagging in growth since my very first ultrasound at 7 weeks measuring at 6 weeks 3 days.

We listened to the heartbeat and it was apparent she was struggling. The pattern was irregular and we were faced with the certainty that we would not be welcoming our baby girl. God had a different plan for us. Why? I will never know. I did everything right. I was as healthy as could be. I monitored everything that went into my body. Ate organic food. Stayed hydrated. Took my prenatal vitamins. Didn’t have a sip of alcohol. Read tons of pregnancy related books, articles, blogs etc. I was prepared for motherhood. I wanted nothing more than to be a mother. I was elated when I found out it was a girl. I already envisioned the kind of relationship and bond we would have. I dreamt of the friendship she would have with her daddy. It was like a dream but reality. So why did this happen to us? Something so rare is robbing us of what we wanted most.

I sit here and type this realizing I am no longer feeling kicks. Barely any movement. In fact, when I think I feel something I wonder if I am actually feeling something or imagining I am. I know we are at the end of our road. I am prepared to go to our follow up appointment on Tuesday and possibly not hear that sweet sound , her heartbeat. I am blessed to have carried her this long. I pray every night that she knows how much she was loved without even living on earth. I pray her precious soul comes back to me perhaps in another body, a strong body. All the things we will do, the adventures we will have. Until that day comes, I will see you in my dreams. I know you fought as long as you could and I will forever be grateful to have felt you flutter around inside my tummy. I love you my sweet girl.

Ironically, tomorrow is mother’s day. This holiday will never be the same for me. I will always think of you. You will never be forgotten.